Ahhhh, it’s January yet again. The time of year that’s like a fresh new start. A time when people are full of hope for what the year will bring – pfft, or so I hear! For me this time of year is never a time I enjoy. Putting aside the fact that I often overindulge in food and drink in December – although if we’re being honest it was more of the latter – January for me means loan repayment reminders and mounting bills to settle. Speaking of December, trust me, nobody needs a new start more than I do you guys. Here’s a quick flashback to the end year party. The date was Saturday 8th December. I initially had no interest in going but after a covert eavesdropping session on the Friday I decided the shindig was worth the effort. It went something like this: “Hey Pete, how are you?...Ehe, did you manage to get your leave approved? …No? …Really? Oh no, that’s too bad.
….Mhmmm…..mhmmm….okay then, we’ll chat later.” That was Sarah, the love of my life, on the phone with what sounded like a new boyfriend who perhaps didn’t work in the city. Ever since The Dragon, my former boss (and number one suspect in competition for my beloved’s affections) Mr. Aswan was fired, I never imagined my chances with her could get even more bleak but indeed that’s just what happened. Suitors seemed
to crawl from the woodwork. Publicity wiped off from everybody’s minds, I thought. “Juli! Hi there!” I shifted my attention from the grand room and looked up to see Cathy, the new accountant approaching with a big smile.
“Hi Cathy. Wow, you look nice.” I didn’t mean to say ‘wow’ the way I did but never ceased to amaze me any time I saw someone out of their drab office outfits.
“Thanks, so do you. Nice suit.” Yes! The suit is a hit! “Thanks.” “We are seated over there.” She said, throwing a thumb back to a table in the far corner. My eyes, however, were scanning the room for Sarah’s lovely face instead.
“Yes, I’ll come over, let me go and get a drink first.” After repeating my order to the overwhelmed-looking bartender and finally getting a drink, I called Vic to see what was taking so long. The call went unanswered, so I left an impatient message asking him to call me back ASAP. Making my way to the familiar IT department crowd.
Just then, the speakers blared and the MC, a popular stand-up comedian, took the stage calling for people to take their seats.
I better run to the gentleman’s room before he starts his set, I thought. I excused myself and dashed out. On my
way out, I ran squarely into Cathy, who subsequently tumbled backwards and onto the floor before I could stop her fall.
“Oh dear, I’m so sorry”, I mumbled, apologizing and helping her up at the same time, “I didn’t see you…Oh dear, are you okay?” One look at her tearstrewn face and I could tell she was not. For a panicky moment I thought I had hurt her but then quickly realized she must have already been crying. My favourite comedian giving a free performance forgotten for a moment, I asked if she was okay. She shook her head no as a fresh gush of tears rolled
down her face.
“Oh no, let me take you outside for some fresh air.” We walked out into the parking lot as she composed herself. I never know what to do in such situations. I weighed my options; we were not so close that I could comfort her with a hug, but we were not so estranged that it would be presumptuous... so I went for it. After all, she was clearly very upset. Maybe this way she could calm down enough to agree to go back inside. “Get your hands off her! I said GET
YOUR HANDS OFF HER!” All I remember was being swung around with a mighty force to come face-to-face with one of the meanest faces I have had the displeasure of being face-to-face with. I was speechless, Cathy was
crying uselessly, and this guy was getting angrier by the minute. “Is it you? Are you Julius? Are you the one who’s trying to steal my wife?” He was breathing so hard and looked so poorly that for a minute I wanted to offer him a chair and a glass of water. Later of course, I realised that he was just drunk and irate – a bad look on anyone if you ask me. “I…I’m Julius, yes but…” Unfortunately, I never got to explain to Ugly Drunk Guy that I was not in fact trying to steal his wife or anyone else’s wife for that matter because he clocked me right on the side of the head.
Everything went black. At the time, I couldn’t tell you whether I came to a couple of minutes or a couple of hours later, but I remember there was no Cathy or Ugly Drunk Guy in sight. The only person there was Vic, standing
over me with a bottle of water in his hand. Apparently ready to ‘wake me up’ Vic-style. “Ah, there he is…hehe my friend. How can you pass out so quickly! You didn’t want to wait for me?” he said, laughing. “Shut up! I’m not drunk you moron! Some crazy guy clocked me!” I said, witting up. My head felt funny. “What crazy guy” asked Vic, helping me up and looking around. “I don’t even know. Cathy’s husband or something. He found us here and went stark raving mad!” I stood up slowly and dusted off my pants. “Anyway, let’s go back inside.” “But the party is over Juli” laughed Vic, “I only came out because I was wondering where you were all night. Look at how many missed calls you have!” Indeed. I had over 20 missed calls! What a wasted evening! And I didn’t even get to see Sarah! Or tell he show much I love her!
The next Monday, I found out that some deviant had taken my picture that fateful Saturday and I was now the most talked about employee of the place thanks to some even bigger deviant with some time on his hands who circulated the picture of me helplessly on the ground with the words “WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE HOME 10 DRINKS AGO” boldly plastered on the bottom. I’m still yet to find out who hates me so much. I am officially a meme. To make a bad day worse, my not-sowonderful suit guy refused to take back the suit citing a rip at the seam that was not there earlier. I had to part with a hefty sum just to appease the guy. Guys, do you know how heartbreaking it is to love someone so much, so completely, and they are none the wiser? Passing you in the corridors or sharing a lift with you to the cafeteria with just a nod hello like you’re anybody else? So not only did I make a fool of myself in front of the love of my life, the evidence of my office party ‘shenanigans’ seemed to be in everybody’s smartphone by now. Worse still, Cathy never came back to work in the new year to back up my story,
she had tendered her resignation a month ago!
Needless to say, I was greeted with a “Hello Meme Star” as I entered the building this morning. I let out an inward
groan. Clearly this was far from dying down! Hello 2019!
Vic and I bore the brunt of many of the stories, much to my dismay and Vic’s enjoyment! Sarah would be there and without a date? Maybe this could be my chance to tell her how I feel, finally! I thought. And so, after Vic’s incessant cajoling, I paid a visit to my wonderful suit guy after work and hired what I thought was a rather dapper dark grey, three-piece suit with shoes to go. It was a black-tie affair after all. Next morning, I woke up with a spring in my step. I even went for a run and treated myself to a good lunch and visited my barber in the afternoon. Come 6pm, I won’t lie, I felt invincible with that suit on. Sure, I took a couple of neat Johnnie Walker shots for some liquid courage, but the suit did most of the work.
Today was The Day! Vic was to come by my place but was running late doing something or another and so I decided to catch an Uber instead. As the cab pulled up to the hotel, it didn’t look that impressive at first glance. I paid the driver, (even gave him a nice little tip – more proof that I was in a great mood that day). Even the foyer’s imposing façade did little to move me. I was directed to the main ballroom and once there, I had to pick my jaw from the floor. The room almost looked like it was dipped in gold. From the low-lying crystal-looking chandeliers to the luxurious draping upholstery on the large windows, the effect was breathtaking.
The Office Gossip is loosely based on true-life events. Names have been changed to conceal the identities of these fascinating individuals.